


Tokyo Dreaming

by courtingstars (FallingSilver)



Series: KagaKuro Week 2016 [4]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Everybody Tries To Help Kuroko With His Issues, Hopeful Ending, Important Conversations, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-10-30
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:03:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8416630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingSilver/pseuds/courtingstars
Summary: It’s been over a year since Kagami left for America. Kuroko is determined to prove that he doesn’t need his boyfriend, that he can handle living without him for a while. In the end, he needs a little help to see the situation in a different light.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for KagaKuro Week Day Four: Dependence/Hope. This fic can be read by itself. It also covers the backstory in my fanbook fic [California Snowing](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6209425) from Kuroko’s PoV. I always wanted to write about the part in that fic where Kuroko hints that he decided to live with Kagami “with a little help,” so here it is! Enjoy.

Kuroko stared at the text on his phone screen, and tried to think of a reply. Something pleasant, and normal. Anything at all.

Anything, except the truth.

_Kagami: Hey howr u doin_

Kuroko set his phone aside, and buried his head in his arms. He tried to convince himself to return to the mountain of college textbooks that surrounded him. He had more than enough studying to do. Papers to write. If he didn’t pass his next English exam, he would have to retake that class.

Kuroko had never failed a class before—not, that is, until a few months ago. It was his fault, though. He had so many friends who could have helped him study. But the truth was, he was avoiding most of them.

He was afraid of what they would all say. Of that sympathetic look in their eyes, the one that would whisper without making a sound, _“We know you’re having a hard time—and we know why.”_

More than anything, Kuroko didn’t want to admit they were right.

He knew he wasn’t the strongest person, physically speaking. He had spent so many of his school years being constantly reminded of that fact. Every time he passed out or threw up during practice at Teikou. Every time he got elbowed in the face during a basketball game. Every time his friends had protected him.

He was content with it, for the most part. He liked to think he had other strengths. Determination, for one thing. The perseverance to keep trying, even when things weren’t easy.

Maybe that was why he was so determined to keep pretending he was fine.

When Kagami decided to attend college in America, Kuroko had wholeheartedly encouraged him. This would be a good thing, he thought. They could keep dating long distance, and it would keep them from being too dependent on each other. They could start college separately.

Stand on their own for a little while, get their bearings in life…

Deep down, Kuroko suspected that he had started to rely on his boyfriend too much.

It was hard not to. Kagami was just so kind-hearted. A little clueless, but he always seemed to know the right thing to say, the one thing that would make Kuroko feel a thousand times better. And he was so confident about everything. It was reassuring, in those moments when Kuroko felt lost or insecure. Kagami’s smile was bright, his embrace was warm.

He really was the light to Kuroko’s shadow.

But as their high school years came to an end, Kuroko tried to convince himself he didn’t actually need a light. He wasn’t competing in basketball anymore. He liked having someone like Kagami in his life, of course. But he could just as easily get by on his own if he had to. He wasn’t that weak…

And he was going to prove it.

At first everything was fine. Kuroko settled into college life in Tokyo, and studied hard. He spent time with all his friends. And he talked to Kagami every day on Skype. He didn’t know when the aching started, the nagging feeling that something was incomplete. It felt like he had a hole inside him somewhere. But he ignored it.

Then the feeling got worse. Every time Kuroko had to say goodbye to Kagami—whether it was on Skype, or during one of his boyfriend’s rare visits to Japan. In those moments, it was impossible for Kuroko to ignore the ache in his chest. Impossible not to know what was wrong.

He was missing his boyfriend. Badly.

Badly, as in, he might not be okay at all.

He kept lying to himself, though. He said he was fine, no matter how many times his friends and family asked. He made himself study, even when he couldn’t concentrate and his grades started to drop. He smiled at Kagami on Skype, and sent him emails every week. _“I’m so proud of you. You’re such an amazing person. I can’t believe how well you’re doing. I can’t wait to see you in your first NBA game.”_

It was all true. He just happened to leave out other things that were true as well.

_“I miss you so much it hurts.”_

_“I feel like less of a person when you’re not here.”_

_“I’m not nearly as strong as I thought.”_

Kuroko hated himself for it. How pathetic could he be? Kagami was fine, that much was obvious. He was living on his own in California, and training hard. Kuroko, meanwhile, was still living in his parents’ house. He definitely didn’t have to deal with all the pressure Kagami faced, as a scholarship player on an NCAA basketball team.

He told himself to get over it. To try harder. If Kagami could get along without him, then surely he could do the same.

_Stop being so weak. Stop being so dependent on him…_

_Stop being such a **shadow**._

Kuroko sucked a breath through his teeth. He took one of his textbooks down from the pile, and started to read. Before long, he was skimming the same page over and over, not absorbing a thing. His phone buzzed again. He ignored it.

A gentle hum interrupted him. To the untrained ear, it came from nowhere in particular. Just a soft, disembodied sound—maybe even imaginary. But Kuroko turned and scanned his doorway, until he saw his mother.

(She was in a longtime habit of humming whenever she entered his room… To respect his privacy, most likely. Kuroko had lived with her all his life, but he still couldn’t hear her coming if he was preoccupied.)

His mother smiled as she approached his desk. She was carrying a tray. Her flyaway hair was escaping from her hair tie, and the blue apron she wore all but swallowed her up.

The few people who had met Kuroko’s mother were always saying she looked like she was in middle school. Kuroko had to admit they had a point. Not that his father looked much older… Kuroko had resigned himself to a life of being asked if his parents were nearby, and whether or not he qualified for children’s admission.

“I’m sorry to disturb you, darling,” his mother said, as she held out the tray. “Your grandmother wanted me to bring you this.”

Kuroko eyed the bowl of ochazuke, the steaming broth and the rice topped with nori and salmon flakes. He tried not to frown.

“Thank you,” he said. It smelled delicious, but… “I’m not very hungry.”

“That’s all right.” She cleared a small space on his desk, and set down the tray. “Just keep it here for a little while, and I’ll come back for it later. You know how your grandmother worries.”

Kuroko managed a nod. Her constant fretting about his health was more than a bit wearying. Lately, it only seemed to be increasing. He didn’t understand why.

His phone buzzed again. His mother glanced at it.

“Is that Kagami-kun?” Her voice was hushed, but cheerful. “How is he?”

“He’s… He’s fine, I believe.”

His mother made a vague noise of approval.

“I wonder what the weather is like in California,” she murmured. Kuroko was about to say he thought it was warm at the moment, when she added, “One of my cousins used to live there, when she was young. She was always saying how nice it was.”

She said this almost distantly. Kuroko blinked, not really following.

“I wouldn’t mind going on a trip there,” she added. “I think your father would enjoy it, too. It would be an adventure.”

She smiled, and brushed the tousled strands of hair from his brow.

“Well, maybe someday we’ll have a reason to go,” she said, kissing his forehead. Then she left, just as quietly as she had appeared.

For a long time, Kuroko stared at the empty doorway. He had no idea what to make of that one-sided conversation. Usually his father was the indirect one… He looked back at his phone, until he felt like his heart was climbing into his throat.

Was his mother trying to say that she would approve, if he decided to move to California?

Kuroko’s parents had asked him before, if he was planning to go there. Kuroko had always said no. He was surprised that the possibility had even occurred to them… He wasn’t sure what it meant.

His parents knew about his relationship with Kagami. They seemed to accept it, though they didn’t discuss it much. But would they honestly approve of Kuroko going to live with him? In America, no less, when no one in his family had even left the country before?

Kuroko shook his head. It didn’t matter. He had no plans to live with Kagami anytime soon. The last thing he wanted to do was to impose on his boyfriend, to disrupt Kagami’s college years in any way.

He refused to be that needy.

Hours later, Kuroko finally gave up on studying. He piled blanket after blanket onto his bed. Then he slipped underneath the heap, and sent Kagami a single message.

_Kuroko: I apologize for my late reply. I am fine, just a little tired from studying. Goodnight, Kagami-kun._

Kuroko soon drifted off, into a dream where he was lying in the sun. Feeling warm all over, as a familiar body pressed on top of him. Larger than his, more muscular. With bare skin that glowed a golden shade of brown.

A pair of salt-chapped lips skimmed over his—and for some reason, Kuroko could have sworn he felt sand in his hair.

A week later, Kuroko finally forced himself to see some of his friends. He couldn’t count all the texts Kise and Momoi had sent him, begging him to come along on a Sunday outing. An hour past noon, he met up with Kise at a Yokohama train station. They soon joined Momoi outside a large, glass-walled sports arena.

“Tetsu-kun!” She gave him a hug, just as Kise had. She looked prettier than ever, if that were possible. “It’s been a while. It’s so good to see you. How are you doing?”

Kuroko tried to act as normal as he could. Smiling, saying he was well. Minutes later, they were inside the arena, in the stands at a BJ League pro game. Watching a certain basketball player with familiar blue hair.

“Go, Aominecchi! Kick their asses.” Kise whistled. “The only one who can beat you is you!”

This earned him a sharp glare from the player in question, while all his teammates sniggered at the nickname.

“Dunno why he’s mad.” Kise grinned. “I’m just cheering him on.”

Kuroko eyed him. “Maybe he’s concerned about being associated with someone with that hairstyle.”

“Kurokocchi!” Kise gasped in mock horror, as he brushed back a coil of frizzy yellow hair. “This style is super-duper trendy, I’ll have you know. My fans love it.”

“I’m sorry, Ki-chan, but he’s right.” Momoi shook her head. “You look like an electrocuted peacock.”

“So mean!” Kise said, but he was still grinning.

Kuroko glanced around the crowded arena. “Isn’t this an unusually good turnout for a basketball game?”

Momoi nodded. “The team is doing really well. Dai-chan’s even got a following now, if you can believe that.”

Kuroko watched, with the usual amazement, as Aomine slammed the ball through the hoop. The crowd roared around them. “I don’t find it hard to believe at all.”

Momoi nodded again. Something flashed in her rose-pink eyes then. An emotion Kuroko had seen there before. Worry—and something else.

“Momoi-san? Is everything all right?”

“It’s nothing.” She smiled, but it didn’t reach past her lips. “Well, nothing bad.” She leaned closer to Kuroko, keeping her voice low. “A lot of teams want to try to trade for him. His agent thinks the Kings are planning to make a deal.”

Kuroko was startled. “The Ryukyu Golden Kings? Weren’t they the league champions last year?”

“Mm-hmm.” Momoi appeared to be lost in thought.

Kuroko considered this news. He knew Aomine was playing well, but he hadn’t realized he was getting that level of interest. His current team was based there in Kanagawa, so it was easy for him to commute from Tokyo.

But the Golden Kings played in Okinawa. That wasn’t even close to the main island. Aomine would probably have to move there, for at least part of the year.

“Are you worried about him living so far away?” Kuroko asked.

Momoi lowered her gaze. “I shouldn’t be. He’s been living on his own for a while now, and he’s fine.”

“With you checking up on him,” Kuroko reminded her gently.

Momoi sighed. “I do it too much. I just like knowing that he’s all right.”

They were quiet for a while, as Aomine’s team closed out the quarter. The red numbers on the scoreboard showed a ten-point lead.

“I know you’d miss him,” Kuroko said suddenly. “I would as well. But do you think it would make some things easier on you, if he transferred?”

Momoi looked up. “What do you mean?”

“You always do so much for him,” Kuroko said. “Even now, when you’re so busy. You have classes and an internship, and you still spend so much time looking after him.”

He hesitated. Ultimately, though, he couldn’t help saying exactly what he was thinking…

“Don’t you ever resent how much he depends on you?”

Momoi gaped at him. Then she laughed a bit.

“I don’t think of it like that,” she said. “I know I help him a lot, but… I think I’d feel kind of lost if I couldn’t. Probably more than he would.”

Kuroko was confused. “Why is that?”

Momoi shrugged. “I care about him. I want to be there for him. And it might not always seem like it, but I depend on him too.”

Kuroko gazed down at the court, at Aomine huddling in a circle with the rest of his team. He didn’t notice the way Momoi was eyeing him. Not until she tugged on his sleeve.

“Would you come with me for a minute?”

She didn’t even wait for him to respond, before she turned to Kise. The crowd cheered as the team returned to the court, and Kuroko couldn’t make out what Momoi was saying—he heard Kise yell “What?” several times—but then she grabbed him by the hand and began pulling him up the cement staircase.

“Momoi-san, where are we going?”

They headed into the hall, hurrying past the restrooms, until they slipped into an alcove beside some doors. Momoi finally let go of his hand. She took a deep breath.

“Tetsu-kun,” she said. “Are you all right? Lately, I mean.”

Kuroko’s heart dropped. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You don’t look well,” she said slowly. “Like you’ve been sick, or… or very sad.” She sounded almost guilty. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be nosy. But we’ve hardly heard from you in weeks. And Ki-chan and I can both tell something’s wrong. Is it about Kagamin?”

Kuroko couldn’t help frowning. Why was everyone always assuming that?

“Kagami-kun is fine,” he said. “I’m fine as well. I’ve just been busy studying.”

He could tell by the look on her face that she didn’t believe him.

“Aren’t you missing him?” she said. “It’s been over a year. That must be hard.”

“It’s—” Kuroko swallowed. “I do miss him. But we talk all the time, and we see each other on Skype, and he visits—”

“Is that really enough?” Momoi said. Kuroko gaped at her.

“Yes. It… It has to be.”

“You haven’t thought about going to live with him?” Momoi said, lips pursed. “You’ve been together for almost four years now.”

“I’ve thought about it. But I’m not going to.”

Momoi’s curved eyebrows tipped upward. “Never?”

“Not until after we’ve graduated,” Kuroko clarified. “It doesn’t make sense for either of us to interrupt our plans.”

“But would it really interrupt them, if you went to school in Los Angeles?” Momoi said, to Kuroko’s shock. “You’ve been working so hard in your English classes. And Kagamin could always help if you don't understand something. I’m sure he would love having you there.”

She said this like she knew it for a fact. Kuroko was starting to wonder if the two of them had been talking. (And with his mother, too, for that matter.)

“But… None of our friends are living with anyone yet,” he stammered. “Aren’t we too young to worry about that?”

“None of us are in relationships right now,” Momoi said, with a pointed look. “Not the way you and Kagamin are.”

Kuroko shook his head.

“I couldn’t,” he said. “Even if he did want me there. It—it would be too much of a change. I’d miss my family, and all of you.”

Momoi’s expression softened. She patted him on the shoulder. “We’d miss you too. We hardly see you lately, though. And you don’t seem very happy.”

She squeezed his arm.

“Are you sure being with Kagamin doesn’t matter more?” she said.

Kuroko avoided her gaze. His stomach was twisting into strange, aching knots. Momoi’s question echoed bleakly inside his head.

He didn’t want to answer her. Not even in his thoughts.

He was too afraid she was right.

“I’m not going to live with Kagami-kun,” he said, in his firmest voice. “But thank you for worrying about me.”

With that, he headed back to his seat. To his relief, Momoi didn’t try to broach the subject again. They watched the rest of the game, and went out with Kise and Aomine afterward. Kuroko tried harder than ever to act cheerful, to talk and smile and joke with his three longtime friends.

It seemed to work. Or at least, none of them asked again if he was okay.

That night, Kuroko spoke with Kagami over Skype. He tried to pay attention to what his boyfriend was saying. But mostly he just pretended to listen, while imagining how nice it would feel to be in Kagami’s arms at the moment. (Kagami was wearing one of those fitted tank tops of his, and was literally glistening from his morning jog, which didn’t exactly help.)

He kept glancing at the apartment behind Kagami, too. It looked just as clean and comfortable as Kagami’s old apartment in Tokyo.

Kuroko’s chest clenched. He missed that apartment so much. Missed all those nights he’d spent with Kagami. Talking and kissing and cuddling…

_“Are you sure being with Kagamin doesn’t matter more?”_

In the end, Kuroko said goodnight to Kagami a little too abruptly. He shut his laptop, feeling guilty, and dove into bed.

_Stop. Don’t think about it._

_You aren’t moving all the way out there. You don’t need to. You’re fine._

_Stop missing him, stop wanting him…_

_Just **stop**._

Kuroko curled into a ball, and closed his eyes tight. It took him a long time to fall asleep. When he did, he dreamt of Kagami, over and over.

Kagami’s warm breath against his neck. That broad, eager smile widening as it pressed beside his cheek. Teeth nipping playfully at his ear, and a low, purring voice murmuring things that he never quite understood, but the sound of them alone made him so happy he didn’t care.

An hour before dawn, Kuroko opened his eyes. For a moment, he thought he even _smelled_ Kagami. That warm, musky scent that somehow both calmed him and made him ache with arousal. Then it was gone, and Kuroko remembered he was just imagining it, and his boyfriend was thousands of miles away.

A wave of emotion crashed over him, and suddenly he was crying. His shoulders shook, and his stomach felt like it was turning inside out.

He wasn’t okay. He wasn’t okay at all.

Kuroko could survive without Kagami. But he was miserable.

He wiped his eyes and fumbled for his phone, desperate to hear Kagami’s voice. His quaking finger hovered over the screen. Kagami was in class now. But he would call back as soon as he could. Then Kuroko could tell him everything, how he was missing him so badly and he wanted to be in California with him…

In the end, Kuroko shoved his phone into his backpack. So far beneath the clutter that it took him ten minutes to find it again, the next time he needed it.

For a week afterward, Kuroko just went through the motions. Numb to everything that was happening. He passed one of his exams, and failed another. All the while he kept telling himself that he needed to figure out how to deal with this.

He wasn’t moving to California. Not this way.

Pathetic, defeated. The weak, needy one.

The shadow.

Then one day after class, his phone rang. The name on the screen startled him. He often saw this name in text messages, but almost never for a call. He answered it, and a calm, quiet voice greeted him.

“Good afternoon, Kuroko. How are you today?”

Kuroko gave the standard lie, as he walked to the train station beside his campus. “I’m well. How are you, Akashi-kun?”

“Busy, but well enough,” Akashi said. “I was hoping to pay you a visit this week. How soon would you be available?”

Kuroko halted. He couldn’t recall the last time Akashi had asked to see him alone. The timing seemed odd. A faint sense of foreboding tugged at him.

Akashi was one of the most observant people he knew, after all. Kuroko wasn’t sure he wanted to talk with him right now.

“Oh, I… I’m afraid I’m very busy,” he managed. “I wouldn’t want to inconvenience you.”

“Kuroko.” The tone of Akashi’s voice altered subtly. “As always, I appreciate your consideration. Fortunately I have learned, on very good authority, where you generally eat lunch before your two o’clock Wednesday class. I will see you there tomorrow at twelve, if you have no further objections.”

Kuroko’s mouth hung open. “But, I—”

“As for inconveniencing me, I’m quite certain you won’t,” Akashi added. “Since I’ve already rearranged my schedule to accommodate our meeting. And on that note, I’m afraid I must go now. Until tomorrow.”

With that, he hung up.

Kuroko stared down at his phone. Stunned.

Akashi could be very authoritative when he chose. But he was almost never this overbearing with friends. Not unless he felt it was necessary, somehow. It was like he had already known Kuroko would try to avoid seeing him. He knew exactly when Kuroko was free, too…

Which meant one of their mutual friends must have told him. Kuroko was a little afraid he knew which one. And why she had given Akashi that information.

Kuroko strongly considered not going. In the end, though, he couldn’t shake the guilty feeling that Akashi was going out of his way to see him, and might have even cancelled something important. Which was probably his plan from the start, Kuroko thought with irritation, as he headed to the café where he often had lunch.

He had just sat down at his usual table in the corner, when a man with brilliant red hair came striding into the café. Everyone stopped and stared. Kuroko could understand why. He was staring a little too.

Akashi was in a designer suit and tie, and his bright hair was slicked back. He looked every bit like an executive in training. He wasn’t even twenty, and he was already attending meetings at his father’s head office, between classes and playing on his university basketball team.

Suddenly Kuroko felt about four years old, and foolish. Here he was with nothing to do except study, and he was still failing exams.

Akashi peered around the café. His catlike eyes eventually landed on Kuroko, and he came up to him with a smile. “Kuroko. It’s been a while. I’m very glad to see you.”

Kuroko wanted to be angry, but couldn’t quite help smiling back. He almost never got to see Akashi anymore. “It’s nice to see you too.”

They ordered lunch, traded pleasantries. Akashi paused for a minute to answer his phone—he was using very formal Japanese, and it sounded important—and Kuroko started to relax a little. He sipped his latte, and Akashi sipped his tea. Then…

“Momoi tells me you want to move to California,” Akashi said coolly. “But apparently you’re refusing to go through with it.”

Kuroko nearly choked. So much for hoping this might be an ordinary conversation.

“I never said I wanted to,” he managed.

Akashi fixed him with a steady look, and Kuroko shrank a bit in his seat.

“She already told me all the reasons you gave her,” Akashi said. He paused to take another sip of tea. “She feels, as I do, that you seem to be dancing around the actual issue. May I ask why it is that you won’t consider moving in with Kagami?”

Kuroko was silent. Akashi drummed his long, pale fingers on the side of his cup.

“I’m just—I’m not ready,” Kuroko finally managed to say.

Akashi tipped his head slightly to the side. Like he was noting every word, every nuance in Kuroko’s voice.

“Are you concerned about the future of your relationship?” he murmured. “That the two of you might decide to part ways in the next few years?”

Kuroko blinked. He gazed across the table at Akashi, suddenly realizing something.

“I hadn’t really thought about that,” he said.

Akashi raised his brows. “You haven’t?”

“No.” Kuroko tried to think how best to explain. “That is… I know it’s possible we could feel differently about each other someday. But I’ve never wanted to break up with Kagami-kun, and he doesn’t seem to either. So... I suppose I assumed we probably wouldn’t.”

Akashi stared at him, for what felt like a very long time. His eyes were wide.

“What is it?” Kuroko said.

“You don’t have any doubts about your relationship,” Akashi said slowly. “You have no intention of breaking it off. Not to mention you practically lived with Kagami in your third year of high school. So why on earth do you feel you’re not ready to do it again?”

Kuroko held tightly to the cup in his hands. When Akashi said it that way, it did sound odd. If he didn't think he would stop loving Kagami, then why was he hesitating? And the reminder of their final high school, of how close he and Kagami had been, sent a stab of longing through him.

He clenched his jaw. He didn’t know why Akashi, of all people, kept talking like it was logical for him to leave the country right in the middle of his college years. Like it was some kind of foregone conclusion.

A memory flashed through Kuroko’s mind then. Of a conversation from three years ago, that took place on an ice-skating rink. One he had been trying to forget.

_“But I don’t have any plans to leave.”_

_“I know. Not yet, at least.”_

Akashi had already guessed this would happen, long ago. That sooner or later, Kuroko would go to California to be with Kagami.

No wonder he didn’t understand.

“I do want to live with him,” Kuroko blurted out. “But I can’t, not yet. I should at least try to graduate first. He’s doing so well on his own, and I’m—”

He faltered.

“I’m a mess,” he said, voice shaking. “I can’t stop missing him. I know he misses me, but it’s not the same. He’s such a strong person, and I—I rely on him too much. How can I ever consider myself his equal, if I’m too weak to live without him? Momoi-san kept saying I was unhappy. But that’s exactly why I shouldn’t go.”

He hung his head.

“I’m too dependent on him,” he whispered. “Surely you can’t think that’s a good thing, Akashi-kun.”

Akashi was frowning. He looked like he was about to speak, but then unexpectedly, he hesitated. He leaned back in his chair, and breathed a sigh.

“You want to know if I think it’s acceptable to need someone,” he murmured, with a slight shake of his head. “And here I thought I was prepared for this conversation.”

He chuckled a little, faintly.

“I don’t have a decisive answer for that,” he said after a moment. “I believe it depends, in no small part, on the circumstances.”

A look of sorrow crossed his face, one Kuroko recognized. Suddenly, he felt almost guilty for discussing his romantic problems. After all, he was in a committed relationship. One that had a very good chance of having a future.

Not everyone he knew was as lucky.

“However, I will say that even people who seem invincible often rely on their loved ones a great deal,” Akashi continued. “Simply because you perceive Kagami to be a strong person doesn’t mean that he doesn’t depend on you in his own way.”

Kuroko didn’t know what to say to that. He knew Akashi was speaking from personal experience. But Akashi wasn’t Kagami. And neither of them understood what it was like to be in his position.

To be the shadow.

“I know Kagami and I support each other,” he said hesitantly. “But that’s different from needing him. And I…”

His voice caught.

“I think I do,” he said, almost under his breath. “Need him. But I shouldn’t.”

Akashi gave him a shrewd look.

“Why shouldn’t you?” he said calmly. “And assuming you are correct, how exactly are you planning to stop?”

Kuroko sat frozen. He didn’t have an answer, certainly not to the second question. He had been trying to find one for months.

Akashi gazed out the café window.

“I’ve seen how you look when he comes to visit,” he mused. “You light up around him. And he looks much the same. I would be very surprised if living without you isn’t difficult for him as well.”

Kuroko blinked, startled.

“Unless I’m mistaken, both of you need each other in that way,” Akashi added. “You seem to feel more complete in one another’s presence. And I for one don’t believe it’s a bad thing, to have found your other half in the world.”

He said this in a gentle voice, as he raised his teacup.

“The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Isn’t that how it goes?” He smiled at Kuroko. “It sounds equal enough to me.”

He took a measured sip. Kuroko’s lips trembled. He had always trusted Akashi’s observations, as much as his own. In that moment, he couldn’t help remembering how Kagami always smiled so much at him when he visited, and held him so tight before he had to do leave.

If Akashi truly believed Kagami felt the same way he did, even a little…

“All of us will support you, in whatever you choose to do,” Akashi said firmly. “I’m certain you could pull through here and graduate first, if that’s what you prefer.”

His eyes narrowed, as he set the cup back down.

“But for my part,” he said, “I don’t see the point in making yourself miserable, if you’d rather work toward your goals beside the person who makes you happiest. That will have more than enough challenges of its own.”

He reached across the table, and pressed his hand on top of Kuroko’s.

“I don’t see how there could be any shame, or weakness, in having the courage to start a new life,” he said, with a fond look.

Kuroko’s heart gave an odd leap. Somehow, when Akashi said it, it didn’t sound like the pathetic, defeated thing to do at all.

It sounded more like facing his future.

Suddenly, he felt lighter. Like it was easier to breathe, somehow. As if he had been fighting the right choice for a long time, and now it was time to let go. To wake up.

“I am a little scared,” he admitted, in a small voice. “California is so far away. And I know I’m going to miss everyone.”

“We’ll miss you as well.” Akashi squeezed his fingers. “As I believe I told you a few years ago.”

Kuroko sighed. He should have expected Akashi to remember that conversation. He mumbled, “It’s a bit annoying that you were right.”

Akashi laughed. And for what felt like the first time in a very long while, Kuroko managed to laugh too.

Kuroko survived the rest of the week. It didn’t get any easier, missing Kagami. He still dreamt of him every night. And he was still nervous about what Kagami would say, if he asked to come live with him. Maybe he wouldn’t be ready for such a big step. Maybe Kuroko still wasn’t.

But when he sat down to write Kagami another email, Kuroko finally decided to be more honest. About how he was struggling to write anything pleasant. About how he didn’t want to sound weak or depressed, that he didn’t want to burden Kagami with his feelings—but that he loved him, and missed him, desperately.

He felt more than a little guilty, as he signed the email. But it was the truest thing he had ever written…

_“Sincerely,_

_“A shadow who is lost without his light”_

Yes, Kuroko needed Kagami. He depended on him. And he was finally willing to accept that.

As long as his light needed him, too.

Kuroko sent the message. In a matter of minutes, the phone rang. His heart all but stopped when he saw it was Kagami. It was strange for him to be calling at this hour. It had to be about the email.

A wave of anxiety engulfed him. He had no idea what Kagami was going to say. Or if he would be brave enough to admit he wanted to live with him.

But in that moment, Kuroko felt something else. Something new, whispering inside his heart that things were about to change. Glimmering, like a sliver of light about to break through a long darkness.

Hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! [California Snowing](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6209425) takes place about a year after this fic, if you would like to find out what happens next. (There were also a few brief references to a conversation from my GoM friendship fic, [The Yuletide Bright](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7605655/chapters/17310241).)


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